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THE MOTHER OF ALL BACHELOR PARTIES

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Field Engineers can be counted on to respond aggressively to the bekoning call of two words: FREE BEER!

Every field engineer may not be able to fix your 3-arm governor, but one thing they are all experts at doing is having a great party. Back on a cold February night in 1980 one of the field engineers in the KC office was getting married that weekend and they threw the mother of all bachelor parties. In those days, the local field offices were rather large with about 25 field engineers, design engineers, application engineers, service supervisors, a service manager, service salesman and safety manager. Most managers had two service supervisors: one for steam turbines and one for gas turbines. Any party invitation that ended in the words FREE BEER always drew a big crowd. Most of the field engineers were under 30 and, as was often said, they were “Young, dumb and full of cum.”

One of the groom-to-be buddies offered up his house for the gala event: A Bachelor's Party.

In those days, a stag party wouldn’t be complete without stag films. These were typically cheesy 8-mm movies with no sound. The attendees proceeded to get drunk while ooohing and aaaahing to the stag films. The Best Man was from out of town. He went to pick up a fraternity buddy, the Groom-to-be from his from Sigma Phi Epsilon,whot lived in Kansas City. On their way back to the party they thought aloud, “This party needs some strippers!” Since it was short notice, the Yellow Pages weren’t an option, so they went to 12th Street and Vine and picked up a couple of hookers. They figured, who would complain?

The two must have been great salesmen. They paid the girls nothing for being strippers, but promised them lots of business once the strip tease was over. Being equal opportunity employers, they chose ladies of two colors: one wase black and one was white. Perhaps the -2 degree outside temperature also helped close the deal. When the girls arrived at the party the engineers cheered wildly.

Field engineers are great at improvising. The film was quickly yanked from the projector and it was used as a makeshift spotlight for the strip tease dances. As you can imagine, there was a lot of hooting and hollering, as the girls dropped their clothes and gyrated to the music. Since the family room was packed, all the guys in the front row were “copping feels.” The girls loved it. After all, they were hookers not strippers.

One of the guys (on loan from Louisiana office of GE) grabbed one gal by the buns and buried his face to show off his muff-diving skills. The best man's buddy, Steve, decided to get into the show. He got up next to the girls and started dancing with them. To everyone's surprise, he begins to strip naked. Everyone was shocked (and humbled) when his 12-inch member hung out! This guy was HUGE! All fraternities assign nicknames to pledges. His nickname was, THE GREAT WHITE WHALE! There was a collective gasp as the Moby's Dick emerged.

The girls quickly stopped dancing as their eyes grew big as saucers. They forgot all about dancing and started to work on the The Whale. Fully aroused, it was bigger than HUGE! The girls couldn't wait and said, “Hey, where is the nearest bedroom?” They ushered Steve (one on each arm) upstairs to the bedroom to do their best Captain Ahab performance. Both girls worked him over to the cheers of the onlookers. The Whale, once conquered, became field engineering lore forever. The two girls "high-fived" each other and said, “Send in 2 more!”

A line formed at the bedroom door. The girls began riding guys two guys at time on the water bed, like bucking broncos to the cheers of the next two gawkers in the doorway. The ladies wisely stayed atop the engineers so they wouldn’t “fill up”. This was before condoms were popular and the AIDS scare. It was on the tail end of the free love and drug era. As you can immagine, it got a rather messy.

The Great White Whale was a freebie, which the girls enjoyed as much as Steve. After Steve, finished though, the price rose to 20 bucks a head. Those guys who previously experienced hookers rushed to the front of the line. The shy ebbed to the rear. It was like a scene from Noah’s ark as they paraded in 2-by-2.

There is one in every crowd. The shy nerdy field engineer that is still a virgin. A hard hat was passed to take up a collection to get Virgil the Virgin laid for the first time.

"Come on you cheapskates! Just 5 bucks more and we can get Virgil laid.""

It took hours, but virtually every guy at the party got laid. Most guys had never even been with a hooker before. They were young and fresh out of engineering school. Being on the road for GE all the time makes it very hard to keep steady girlfriends. Everybody except the Groom-to-be was suffering from D.S.B. (Deadly Sperm Buildup). This is a common malady of engineers that often causes alcohol abuse, abnormal behavior around women, poor eyesight and tennis elbow. So, this chance to "lighten their load" came as a welcome relief. The Groom-to-be, all juiced up at this point, kept calling his fiancée to keep her awake, with the promise he would be home soon for his turn.

The party ran into the wee hours of the morning. The keg was an early casualty as it was sucked dry quickly. There was now a mountain of empty beer cans outside the backdoor. The girls, with a fist full of dollars, wisely called a cab. They said goodbye to the drunken cheers of all the guys.

After the ladies-of-the-evening were finished field servicing nearly the entire KC office and some freeloaders from NY, CO, STL & LA, the water bed had a high level alarm (that is ANSI code 71CH). A decontamination unit was called in to clean it. The Groom-to-be made it back home in time. Many field engineers passed out on the floor, some dodged a DWI by driving home and Virgil-the-no-longer-a-Virgin slept like a baby for the first time in years!

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Last modified Tuesday, Jan-18-2005 08:22 PM
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